Kids and apologies

I have been thinking lately about kids and apologies. It’s a subject I have given a lot of thought over the years. “Do we make our kids say sorry?” “How do you get a child to mean it?” etc. We had a recent event which I felt was a wonderful picture of success so I thought I might share about it in the hope that it helps some others.

We have just had easter, which means the kids are rich with chocolate (for a few days!) My seven-year-old came in to my bedroom and said

“Mum, three of my cream eggs are missing!”

Then began the investigation into who was the thief. “Did you take the eggs?” starting from the youngest and working our way up, looking for the shifting eyes and the uneasy denial. We found the culprit. After establishing that Miss four did, indeed, take Mr. seven’s eggs, we began our now-usual, long-winded process of helping our child to own her fault, take responsibility, find empathy and create recompense and reconciliation.

Because that’s what we’re after, really, isn’t it? None of us want our child to mutter “Sorry.” with hung head, shifting eyes and a sulk. We want our child to regret the pain or sadness they caused and we want to see behavioural change. We don’t want to intimidate them into hiding their faults or feeling like their mistakes are bigger than they are, or that their mistakes make them unlovable. Gosh, I so don’t want that.

So our process is long-winded. At least at first. It contains a lot of questions, because we want the thinking to belong to our child. We want them to do the hard work of figuring out what the problem is and how to fix it, so we only ask as many questions as we have to to help them get there. With a younger child, there are more questions, less with an older child. So let me give you the example with our recent incident with the easter eggs;

Mum: “Sweetie, did you take the chocolate eggs?”

Miss 4: “Yes...”

Mum: “Oh. Whose eggs were they?”

Miss 4: “Umm… (Mr 7)’s.”

Mum: “Yes... How do you think that made (Mr 7) feel?”

Miss 4: “I don’t know.”

Mum: “...Do you think it made him feel happy or sad?”

Miss 4: “Umm, sad.”

Mum: “Yes, I think so too. If someone took your chocolate, do you think it would make you feel sad?”

Miss 4: “Yes, that would make me sad. I would be angry too.”
Mum: “Do you think (Mr 7) felt angry?”

Miss 4: “Mmm, no...”

Mum: “Ok, so you think he felt sad? You don’t want him to feel sad, do you?”

Miss 4: “No.”

Mum: “Ok, so what do you want to do or say to fix it?”

Miss 4: “I could give him 3 of my eggs!”

Mum: “Yes, you could give him 3 of your eggs… but if you decided to swap, and he gave you 3 eggs and you gave him 3 eggs, that would be fair, wouldn’t it? But you didn’t swap, he didn’t get to choose, did he? So I think you need to give him more than that, to make it fair because he didn’t get to choose to swap.”

Miss 4: (starting to really take ownership now and want to fix things) “Oh I know, I will give him 3 of my caramel eggs and 2 of these big ones!” (turning to Mr 7) “Do you want all of these eggs?”
Mr 7: (big smile) “Thanks (Miss 4)!!”
Miss 4: “That’s ok! Sorry (Mr 7)!” (big hug, given and received with enthusiasm.)


It made me so happy to see this process because this was genuine understanding of the pain caused, genuine regret, a genuine desire to compensate the injured party, and a beautiful and genuine reconciliation at the end. The relationship was stronger because of the problem solved!

Our children have a true desire for justice and given the framework and some space for their free will, I have found they will do it, though of course sometimes they need some time and space in their room to be willing to join in the process. 

If confronted with sullenness or defiance, I simply say calmly “Are you ready to talk about this, or do you need some time to think?” 

I only had to follow through with this a couple of times before they found that this process was fair, satisfying and cleansing and they truly want to do it most of the time now.

How about you? How do you deal with apologies in your house? What do you think?